I want to share a true story. I’ll call them Rob and Amy for confidentiality purposes.
Rob is a public speaker in his field; he’s highly successful and effective as well with clients. This gives him a lot of personal power. Many women are attracted to Rob–a charismatic, good looking person of substance.
Rob’s wife, Amy, is a beautiful and equally smart woman of substance. Amy was often left home to be the one to do most chores, get the kids off to school, and work, too. Some of her basic emotional needs were not getting met in the relationship.
Amy came in my office about to leave the marriage due to Rob’s need for attention and confirmation from other women. No affair had taken place, but Amy didn’t feel she was important to Rob, and was jealous of all the female attention he received, and liked. It felt to her like energy he should be directing toward her, the marriage, and the family. She felt betrayed.
Rob had not taken the time to understand the part of him that had him seek the attention of other women. Before this degree of disintegration with Amy, he had not had an interest in changing the part of him who needs validation that he is still attractive to the opposite sex. Partly because the attention felt too good. And after all, in Rob’s mind, he had not done anything wrong because he had not strayed outside the relationship with a sexual affair. The attention became like a drug he sought.
My question of Rob that sent him into somewhat of a tailspin? “If we were to divide you into a pie chart, Rob, what percentage of you is monogamous?” He was taken aback, and said he wanted to see himself as 100% monogamous, but “had to admit” that the attention he put to seeking attraction of other women is energy, in his own words, he “should be directing to his own wife”.He realized that if the tables were turned, he would be furious with Amy. Also, he came to realize how rejected, discounted, and tossed aside Amy felt as he listened to her experiences of how his attention going elsewhere cut so deep.
Rob came to understand that until he worked with the part of him who needs attention from women outside his marriage, and give it what it needs himself, he would forever be causing unnecessary pain in his relationship with Amy.
To get to the core of any issue, the therapy will need to include methods that are neurological, and brain-based. Just talking in therapy will not get to the core of issues.
Since I’m trained in two methods that do get to the core of the issue, we spent several sessions working with the part of Rob that wants validation from other women. As a result, Rob also came to understand that when he is in that space of attention seeking he blocks his creativity for how to make his marriage better, and his creativity during his public talks is diminished because of his divided attention. Moreover, Rob learned how women of his childhood helped him feel validated and loved when they told him how handsome he was as a child.
In essence, Rob realized he had been stalemating his own happiness to a large degree. Happiness that a closer more intimate relationship with his wife could bring, and that a more relaxed feeling during his talks could add to his speaking repertoire for greater degree of success. He was eclipsing his success.
Robs career changed for the better as a result of his work to find and give that part of him what it needed–self approval, affirmation, and recognition for personal accomplishments. He became more grounded, and no longer needed to seek that energy outside his marriage.
Amy began to feel more trust for Rob, and therefore more important, heard and cherished. Together, they began to open up to the other more about other issues, and were able to create a richer connection that extended to their children as well.
It took a lot of courage for both Rob and Amy to stay the course in establishing new behaviors with each other, but they were determined to learn how to be different with each other and give the other more of what they needed in the relationship. In other words, they learned to live more in a mindset of generosity of spirit. This overall feeling of generosity toward the other increased the happiness quotient in their marriage and family.
If you would like to discuss how we may increase your happiness quotient, feel free to call today to make an appointment for a clarity session. During your clarity session we will get an overall view of what is going on in your life as an individual, or in your relationship, and map out a plan for your life to be more fulfilling.
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